Adding on to the last post. I am amazing how long something can go on. I am amazed at how long something can last without sustenance before dying.
When I read couples, the husband (usually it’s the husband, the wife usually comes to me for readings, even when men come to me for readings, I can’t recall seeing a woman acting this way in relationship) is hunkered down, doing nothing. The woman’s beside herself, having tried everything, and having thought she’d communcated clearly what needed to be done. With zero response (or continuation of the same behavior that was causing the conflict).
I’ve figured out it’s a defense reaction… they feel that if they hide in their fox hole, the war will end without them, change will happen around them, they can come out when the coast is clear, as if nothing ever happened and everything will be right as rain… without their ever having to do anything.
And that’s what my husband currently is doing. Several months ago I hit bottom with this, after he’d attacked me about being a bad dog parent (not taking my dog to the vet when it seemed to have just ear mites)… although I could say I’d hit bottom last year when he attacked me for being a bad parent (I was navigating with my child to graduate high school and get to college and stay in relationship with me, not to make the same mistake I’d made with his older brother). Actually I hit bottom many times in the last four years, with him verbally attacking me, calling me bitch, when he misperceived something I was doing, or just feeling bad about himself.
As I mentioned in the last post, he’d been remarkably well behaved now that I’m bringing in income. But I’ve figured out it’s just to keep me there paying half the bills, not that he appreciates me working so hard, or even likes me much. He hates my messes (his clothes take up half the wardrobe but also has *two* chest of drawers in our bedroom, I have one; it’s just not big enough for two people) – he doesn’t notice his own. He’s Felix, I’m Oscar (at least it’s the way it feels).
I’d kept up the facade with the outside world, but started to slip this fall, when I mentioned to each of my kids that I might move to DC to Grandma Dodie’s, but he wouldn’t be coming. He would hate my mothers; she’s too messy, the house is too dusty. He wouldn’t consider looking for work back East, even thought the economy’s better than here. At this point (at any point actually) I wouldn’t want to move with him. He’ll turn abusive the moment we move.
I’ve even complained to my mother, something I *never* did during the end of my last marriage – the 5 years I knew I was living with an active drug addict, going through his bottoming out, coping with bankruptcy, early recovery, and the discovery of a secondary addiction.
This time I’m pissed. And I’m planting seeds for my transition.
And, finally, I called an Al-Anon friend, because even though this one isn’t an addict, I was having reactions as if he were. Turns out this friend does psychic readings, too, and offered a trade. I haven’t received a reading in *years*, so said yes. She’s very different than me (her readings, that is). So it was interesting to listen to. To discern when she was projecting and when she was interpreting (makes me reflect on when I do this in readings, myself, although I usually say they created me to tell them this).
At one point she said current husband is an addict, too, but she couldn’t see where. She could just see the energy. And she kept seeing him want to move north, to Blaine or Bellingham. Something to do with his addiction. Maybe to do with casinos.
So I decided to pray for the truth. When I was married the first time, I knew something was wrong, but couldn’t see what. We’d been trying to get pregnant again, but I decided to stop until I figured out what was going on. So I prayed for the truth to be revealed.
What unfolded was, I found out I was already pregnant. And in the same week, he mentioned he’d ‘done coke once’ (it had been something I’d asked him not to do in front of me when we were dating, five years before). Our finances had been spiraling out of control but I couldn’t figure out why. Seven months later, it came out he’d been doing coke the whole time – our kid was born the day he came out of his first treatment program. It took another year for it to come out that we were a half million dollars in debt, and besides buying coke, he’d also spent money on #900 sex (and, years later, I realized, lap dances at topless bars, and prostitutes). The Universe provided the truth as I could handle it. Four years later, I had a similar feeling something was wrong, couldn’t see it, prayed for the truth, and a secondary addiction to pornography came to light.
So I’m praying for the truth to be revealed and so far, it just seems model trains. He organizes an annual modeler’s meet that he wants to be at a casino north of here. And he’s studying a train bridge near there because he’s building a model of it. Not quite Blaine or Bellingham.
It did come out today how angry and resentful he is of me because I’m not being emotionally supportive. And I expressed my anger & resentment that he’s (sitting on his ass) not doing anything. He feels like he is – sending resumes into the abyss and waiting for results. But not taking any action beyond that.
Keep praying for the truth, more will be revealed.
