Last December 21st we had a Full Moon eclipse that was fully visible over my part of the planet. I stayed up hours past my bedtime to watch it. It took a good half hour for the moon to get covered, and clouds threatened to cover up the whole thing (which they did, once the moon was fully eclipsed).

I sat shivering out in my garden in the moonlight, and became aware of trees.

We have some 100ft Douglas Firs living on our land, and there, in the middle of the night, I sensed their Presence. Their energy was incredibly slow moving. Dorothy MacLean said that the Deva of Trees told her they were the ‘lungs of the world’, breathing out oxygen for us. They also seem to me to be the elephants of the plant kingdom. Ancient, wise, living in a different way of time passing.

Watching the video below, I got the sense that a year for us is like a day for Trees. Each season is a portion of their ‘day’.

They’re the Witnesses of life passing, they don’t move, they observe. Watch and see what I mean:

When I read couples, the husband (usually it’s the husband, the wife usually comes to me for readings, even when men come to me for readings, I can’t recall seeing a woman acting this way in relationship) is hunkered down, doing nothing.  The woman’s beside herself, having tried everything, and having thought she’d communcated clearly what needed to be done.  With zero response (or continuation of the same behavior that was causing the conflict).

I’ve figured out it’s a defense reaction… they feel that if they hide in their fox hole, the war will end without them, change will happen around them, they can come out when the coast is clear, as if nothing ever happened and everything will be right as rain… without their ever having to do anything.

And that’s what my husband currently is doing.  Several months ago I hit bottom with this, after he’d attacked me about being a bad dog parent (not taking my dog to the vet when it seemed to have just ear mites)… although I could say I’d hit bottom last year when he attacked me for being a bad parent (I was navigating with my child to graduate high school and get to college and stay in relationship with me, not to make the same mistake I’d made with his older brother).  Actually I hit bottom many times in the last four years, with him verbally attacking me, calling me bitch, when he misperceived something I was doing, or just feeling bad about himself.

As I mentioned in the last post, he’d been remarkably well behaved now that I’m bringing in income.  But I’ve figured out it’s just to keep me there paying half the bills, not that he appreciates me working so hard, or even likes me much.  He hates my messes (his clothes take up half the wardrobe but also has *two* chest of drawers in our bedroom, I have one; it’s just not big enough for two people) – he doesn’t notice his own.  He’s Felix, I’m Oscar (at least it’s the way it feels).

I’d kept up the facade with the outside world, but started to slip this fall, when I mentioned to each of my kids that I might move to DC to Grandma Dodie’s, but he wouldn’t be coming.  He would hate my mothers; she’s too messy, the house is too dusty.  He wouldn’t consider looking for work back East, even thought the economy’s better than here.  At this point (at any point actually) I wouldn’t want to move with him.  He’ll turn abusive the moment we move.

I’ve even complained to my mother, something I *never* did during the end of my last marriage – the 5 years I knew I was living with an active drug addict, going through his bottoming out, coping with bankruptcy, early recovery, and the discovery of a secondary addiction. 

This time I’m pissed.  And I’m planting seeds for my transition.

And, finally, I called an Al-Anon friend, because even though this one isn’t an addict, I was having reactions as if he were.  Turns out this friend does psychic readings, too, and offered a trade.  I haven’t received a reading in *years*, so said yes.  She’s very different than me (her readings, that is).  So it was interesting to listen to.  To discern when she was projecting and when she was interpreting (makes me reflect on when I do this in readings, myself, although I usually say they created me to tell them this).

At one point she said current husband is an addict, too, but she couldn’t see where.  She could just see the energy.  And she kept seeing him want to move north, to Blaine or Bellingham.  Something to do with his addiction.  Maybe to do with casinos. 

So I decided to pray for the truth.  When I was married the first time, I knew something was wrong, but couldn’t see what.  We’d been trying to get pregnant again, but I decided to stop until I figured out what was going on.  So I prayed for the truth to be revealed.

What unfolded was, I found out I was already pregnant.  And in the same week, he mentioned he’d ‘done coke once’ (it had been something I’d asked him not to do in front of me when we were dating, five years before).  Our finances had been spiraling out of control but I couldn’t figure out why.  Seven months later, it came out he’d been doing coke the whole time – our kid was born the day he came out of his first treatment program.  It took another year for it to come out that we were a half million dollars in debt, and besides buying coke, he’d also spent money on #900 sex (and, years later, I realized, lap dances at topless bars, and prostitutes).  The Universe provided the truth as I could handle it.  Four years later, I had a similar feeling something was wrong, couldn’t see it, prayed for the truth, and a secondary addiction to pornography came to light.

So I’m praying for the truth to be revealed and so far, it just seems model trains.  He organizes an annual modeler’s meet that he wants to be at a casino north of here.  And he’s studying a train bridge near there because he’s building a model of it.  Not quite Blaine or Bellingham.

It did come out today how angry and resentful he is of me because I’m not being emotionally supportive.  And I expressed my anger & resentment that he’s (sitting on his ass) not doing anything.  He feels like he is – sending resumes into the abyss and waiting for results.  But not taking any action beyond that.

Keep praying for the truth, more will be revealed.

Yesterday someone came to me for counseling whose fairly new husband turns out to be alcoholic.  It’s been a while since I was regular at AlAnon, so the answers did not come automatically.  But I was able to remember enough, gave her a stack of books and recommended local meetings.

Even though my current husband isn’t alcoholic, there were some familiarities (his brother is).

Today someone came to me who’s ex is a sex addict and won’t let her go.  She’s frightened of separating from him.  I was more up on extracting from an abusive relationship and gave suggestions there and emailed websites.

And why am I still here?

I have two dogs and my vehicle (in my name) is his truck.  I don’t have enough regular income to leave and pay rent somewhere.  I’d be ‘plunging back into poverty’ (which I did leaving the first marriage).  I was just barely stable when I met him, and probably don’t qualify for food stamps etc. now my kids are over 18.

As far as poverty goes, he’s unemployed, we’re in a house worth $200,000 less than it was when we bought it and $100,000 less than the mortgage.  We’ll not be able to keep up the payments after this month.  It’s an ARM which goes up next summer.   Yada yada.

And he’s gotten better behaved (no rages) since I tripled my work schedule and got focused on leaving.

I stay just nice enough to not end things yet.

I don’t want to leave out of fear.  I don’t want to stay out of fear, either.

Just finished listening to Michael Caine’s interview on the Today Show.  The topic arose about second chances, because at some point Michael Caine thought he was washed up as an actor, whereas he was really transitioning from romantic leads to (the more interesting, I think) character roles.  And now he’s written his second memoir, so he’s a side career as an author.  And he has three grandchildren, which he says his life is “really all about”.

We value longevity and stability in this world, even though as a culture we are moving through rapid changes that require being able to shift at a moment’s notice.  It’s not uncommon for someone’s resume to show them transitioning jobs every two years.  Marriages lasting more than 5 are considered ‘long term’.  If you keep an appliance or an automobile that long, it most likely will have a recall out on it for some defect!  A computer? Forget about it – all your original software is no longer compatible with the rest of technology.

Even within relationships, in order to maintain one so that it proves to be long lasting, requires you to continually grow and change.  Whatever brought you together as a couple initially can become a limitation as you each mature.  If you keep treating your offspring as children when they’re adults, they may stop talking to you!

Life requires flexibility and creativity in order to live it joyfully.

It’s important to give *yourself* second, third and fourth chances, too.  Any ending of any sort is an opportunity to reinvent yourself and try something new.  You loved that job, you loved that house, you loved that person, wonderful.  To quote Maude, from Harold & Maude,  ‘now go and love some more’.

Now, there’s a next step to this.  In which you realize that You are not just the personality with a story line, but You are the Essence of who you are, you are Infinitely capable and creative.  And you’re making all this up.

It’s not exactly that ‘this is all an illusion’, implying that it’s not real.  But  You are bigger than you.  As the little you, personality with a body, you can have access to all the information in the Cosmic Internet, but it feels like it’s outside of yourself.  It feels like the power is somewhere else.  Shifting to the You that is Infinite, that is beyond this lifetime, you can see that you created it all, your individual storyline, and everyone else in your story line.  You *are* the Cosmic internet.

You ‘made all this up’ in that you created this physical reality.  Of course it feels real – it’s reality!  You also created everyone who shows up in your reality.  They’re not fake, just because you created them.  You created them to be different personalities, because You wanted the feeling of being more than U (unity-universe).

When you’re walking along the street, it feels like it’s you in your body, and it takes time and space to get anywhere.  When you’re in a car, you get there faster.  When you’re in a plane, you can look down and see the city, and the country side, people look like ants (if you can see them at all).  When you’re in a space ship, you can look at the planet… and planets, and solar system.

In the ‘up above’ perspective you feel disconnected from ‘lower down’, and it can be easy to say ‘it’s an illusion’.  However, look at your body.  It’s make up of cells, molecules, atoms.  Each of them are ‘real’.

There’s a way of being ‘up there’ and ‘down here’ at the same time.  Having both perspectives is very freeing.  There are no mistakes, because You’re creating it exactly the way it is.  When you shift into Quantum Physics and Parallel Universes, you’re creating all choices at once simultaneously.  So there have never been any mistakes, you chose both colleges that accepted you and a parallel self went to the other one and created a whole other storyline (parallel universe) from there.  You married that guy and you didn’t marry that guy.  You backpacked through Europe *and* you stayed home and accepted that entry level job.  Right now there’s a Parallel self that lives in Paris and speaks fluent French!

This week, play with seeing yourself and your life *as* Your Infinite/Essence.  Be bigger than any problems you’ve created.  Don’t just be connected to the Cosmic Internet, *be* the Cosmic Internet!  What risks to you feel empowered to take (because they’re no longer risks)?  What patterns disintegrate in your holographic story line?  The script becomes improvisational!

Try this for a week and see what happens!

To read other articles like this, go to my Adventures In Density & Effort blog

(This is a follow-on from my regular blogpost/Ezinearticle)  Pritnear all energy techniques are ways to avoid discomfort.  We want to feel better, plain and simple.

As Essence, we are Joy.  Most folks think that they’re their body/personality, so spend a lot of time and energy looking outside themselves to grow spiritually.  In Truth, We *are* Spirit, here to enjoy the physical world.  Many folks have figured that much out, that to get in touch with their Essence they have to turn within.

A step further than this is that there’s nothing you have to do, looking inward or looking outward, because You already *are* Essence/Expanded/Infinite.  Certainly, there’s no needing to learn anything, because You already Know – You *are* Wisdom.  You’re not only connected to the Cosmic Internet, You *are* the Cosmic Internet!

As far as comfort/discomfort, pain vs. joy, from an Infinite viewpoint there is no good or bad to any of it.  It’s the whole point of being here in physical form:  to experience dichotomy, to experience other than who You are.

So from an Essence perspective, it’s all good.  Being uncomfortable is just an interesting sensation.  I’ve known several people who’ve become at ease with their discomfort and then have experienced radical ‘healing’ of their condition.  Someone with shingles on their *face* cleared it up within 3-4 days, simply by reclaiming power from the illusion of discomfort.

What I’ve noticed myself, in dealing with jet lag and emotional discomfort the last couple days, is a revelation of a core pattern I’ve created my life from.  Let’s see if I can summarize it succinctly -

My life tends to be about being of service.  I’ve been an energy worker/healer/reader since 1981 (I was 22 when I started).  On a personal level, I prioritized the well being of my husband and my kids (what woman doesn’t, however).  On a professional level, all my energy goes into serving clients and students.  It spills over personally in that I rarely talk on the phone if it’s not a client call.  Even non-professional situations (support groups, volunteer moderating a group, etc.) I treat professionally.  Which means I end up not receiving from others.

I knew some of this came from my mother – we grew up mostly overseas and she wasn’t allowed to join women’s groups or work (the reason why will be mentioned in the next paragraph), so she experienced a fair amount of isolation.

I didn’t realize until yesterday how much of this came from my dad.  My dad was a covert agent for the CIA; my siblings and I didn’t know until we were teenagers what he really did for a living.  What this meant for us was that we were his ‘cover’.  We, including my mother, made him seem legitimate.  Any holiday or weekend trip from where ever we were living were actually an opportunity for him to meet with someone while we played on the beach or were at a museum.  What this meant for him is that he was always ‘on’.  Always alert.  Our home was bugged, our mail was censored (when we were younger we didn’t know this).

Not to go too into the story of my childhood, how this has reflected in my adult life is always being energetically ‘on’.  I operate with a high awareness level since I’m a professional clairvoyant and natural empath.

With my father it was never safe to be vulnerable – he would emotionally attack you if you revealed yourself too much.  Growing up we had to be the perfect family, so his cover looked good, but we couldn’t draw attention to ourselves.  It could lead to our being killed, if not by others, by him.  As an adult if I made the mistake of sharing too much in an email, it would come back at me in painful ways.

So as I was walking my dogs, experiencing discomfort, I realized that I have this concept that it isn’t safe to be vulnerable.  I’ve dealt with the concept that the Universe isn’t benevolent (God the Father will verbally attack you when you’re not looking).  So this is a deeper level of things.

How I’ve translated it is being a spiritual teacher and mystic mentor coach, I have to be one step ahead of my students and clients.  The fact I’ve been doing this 30 years gives me a natural leg up, but if I go through a natural growth period, or experience temporarily being overwhelmed by ‘gremlin’ voices, this somehow will make me less than in their eyes.  Why should they pay me if they’re ‘better’ than I am?

In truth, there is no better nor worse.  There is no time or space, so 30 years or 6 months is an illusion.  People can be more capable with less experience.  We all have created uniquely valuable experiences to color our lives with.

People pay me to be their teacher or coach because of my experience, and because this is my main focus.  Their lives are filled with other things to focus on and I help them turn their attention back to their Essence, and get in touch with their Inner Wisdom.  Coaching acknowledges that You are the expert in your life, and in my classes I tell folks that they already know all this as Essence, it’s just training their bodies (or raising their form’s vibratory level so They can embody it more).

This is leading me to a whole additional thing to talk about, but that’s for another blogpost.

For more Mystic Musings, go to my other blog.

It’s been a slam-dunk month.  I was in a community theatre play, so for the first week or two it was nightly rehearsals and then four performances a weekend. This, on top of my work schedule, which I’d recently doubled, due to my husband being laid off.

When the show was done, the next weekend I had a wedding which required a fair amount of travel.  And then another wedding suddenly got schedule for the weekend after that.  I am hurting for a day off.

And my dog has been having ear infections.  The vet had seen a smallish tumor in his ear canal back in May, but I chose to ‘wait and see’.  When he actually responded in pain last week, I took him back to the vet.  The tumor had grown, so we went to a specialist yesterday.  Turns out it’s massive, may not be cleared up with the (already expensive) surgery today, and the specialist is pretty certain it’s cancerous.

Any moment now, I’m getting a day off.

What do you do when you’re already on overload and the next thing threatens to tip you over?

Slow down and focus only on what is in front of you.  Do the next indicated action.  Take it one moment at a time. Do what you can in present time and let go of the rest.

The Buddhists call this ‘mindfulness’.  In Twelve Step groups it’s doing the next indicated thing.  It’s recommended when hitting a crisis point.  It’s helpful in every day stress management as well.

When you focus on the present moment, you turn off the mind’s chatter.  It’s the chattering that takes you into the future, beyond your control.  It’s the chattering that makes things much more dramatic than it needs to be.

In talking with the vet yesterday, he asked how I wanted to proceed.  Since we already had the care credit set up for the surgery, and there was a chance that it would help, I gave the go-ahead.  If it’s cancerous, there’s not much to be done from an allopathic medical perspective.  And I see thousands of possibilities between the symptoms and actual diagnosis.

Thoughts still race by like bullet trains, but I don’t need to climb into one nor stand in front of them.  Every once in a while I do a bit of Matrix; we’ll see how effective I am as a practitioner on my own pet.

It’s interesting that this has arisen in the midst of everything else.  For several months I’ve been in massive transition, slowly moving away from old patterns and preparing to go in a new direction.  I’ve been conscious not to knee-jerk react to anything, figuring that if my Expanded Self wants me to be other than where I am, I would be.  Whenever I’d made a major change in the past, it’s because something occurred that was the one motivating factor for change.

Basil’s tumor feels like an Expanded Self thing.  I’m poised for what’s next.

For now, I’m finishing this blog post.  Then going to work.  Then taking my son and his girlfriend to dinner.  Then catching the ferry home.  Then going to sleep.

Doing the next indicated thing and we’ll see what comes next.